It's like watching flies fuck! Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. We havent tried that for a while. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin, 16. No. BAM! Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. (p. 237), Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. (243). Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? Required fields are marked *. Now I feel better. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Banana Republic ran out of khakis? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit. It simply doesn't give a fuck about you. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact Us, Ronald Reagan Religious Quotes To Live Your Life As A True Believer, www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes, www.quotes.thefamouspeople.com/george-carlin-1484.php, www.everydaypower.com/george-carlin-quotes. On Election Day, I stay home. ""This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Updated on May 30, 2018. 13. There are places that are going to go away. It's nice. And the people said "You know something? Deal with it. Nothing changed. You don't have to be a history major or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory. They call them the. 43. I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos! Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity. These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. 29. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Two. But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?". ""Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? As we saw from my piece on Louis C.K. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. And we wont leave much of a trace. This is what we have to offer. It's ridiculous! "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass". Best George Carlin Quotes of All Time - LiveAbout A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. ", In 2001, the official George Carlin website explicitly stated that the list including all of these lines was not the work of Carlin. Never argue with an idiot. [] I look at war a little bit differently. They're doing amphetamines. It will be a coincidence. Enjoy! Name six ways were better than chickens. In America, anyone can become president. They never mention that part to us, do they? So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Especially if it's me! Edited by Liz O. Baylen and Mike Benoist. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. George Carlin was one of the more popular and influential comics to emerge from the 1960s counterculture. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! The difference between left and right of center originated in the French parliament. Thats the problem., I call him Governor Bush because thats the only political office hes ever held legally in this country., Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance., Forget the politicians. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. Produced by Will Reid and Michael Simon Johnson. You see all, sooner or later. They try to divide the rest of the people. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin, 25. Dopey was into everything. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. I hate groups of people but I love individuals. When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? BULLSHIT! No war on homelessness. What do you say? Thats three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. So come on in. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Birth control pills are still on prescription. Because you have the illusion of choice! George Carlin, 76. Don't blame me. This is what we have to offer. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. Christmas Quotes For Mothers To Make Her Day, These 10 Quotes About Best Friend Love Are Perfect For Showing Your True Colors, 118+ Inspiring Christmas Quotes For Instagram That Will Bring A Warm Glow To Your Holiday Season, Mourning Your Dogs Death With Quotes From Rainbow Bridge, 15+ Rumi Quotes On Happiness That Will Boost Your Mood, These Rumi Quotes About Depression Will Bring You Comfort. And we'll be gone. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that shit. The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. <style>.woocommerce-product-gallery{ opacity: 1 !important; }</style> 32. And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. You ever notice that? Electricity is really just organized lightning. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. George Carlin, 19. Nothing sacred about those things. Did you ever stop to think about all the people we kill? These people were given. Whether you agree with him or not, George Carlins views on government are definitely worth considering. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. Its interested in its own power. Fertilization: When the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments after the man says, "Gee, honey, I was gonna pull out, but the phone rang and it startled me." The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. Keep your circle small. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. Now, some people like to twist that around. Click here, sign up, and get your first ride with Uber for free. Famous Quotes by George Carlin about Politics, "In America, anyone can become president. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. Be happy with what youve got, because the owners of this country dont want that. It simply does not give a fuck about you! No muss, no fuss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest 'til September. Name six ways we're better than chickens See, nobody can do it! 21. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born and raised in Manhattan, New York City, to Mary (Bearey), a secretary, and Patrick John Carlin, an advertising manager for The Sun; they had met while working in marketing. And Bushis pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. Grumpy, too much speed. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? Ice Cube Shares George Carlin Quote About Politicians: 'They Own You' And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. If it requires a uniform, its a worthless endeavor. George Carlin, 11. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? Didn't need any help on that ladder. When youre born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin, 48. That's generally been true. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. ", "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 25. Broadly speaking. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. Don't you love that phrase? And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". And generally speaking, people onthe right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Theyre always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind. 6. In this blog post, well take a look at some of his best quotes on the subject. You have no choice. They're all in favor of the unborn. Thats all it is. You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. I think that speaks for itself. It helps to remember that. If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. Why did they decide that? Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." They don't want to hear from you. They should be giving their money to you. 1. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other peoples stuff. They don't fall out of the sky. In fact, George Carlin had some pretty interesting things to say about government. I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. The planet is fine. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! I'm here to help. From a distance so I can see it all. He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. You rarely see a bumper sticker that says: Save the tumors. Or I brake for advanced melanoma. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! Everybody complains about politicians. Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!". They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. A new two-minute spot from Pattern Integrity Films features a famous rant from the late comic George Carlin set against a devastating set of images of Donald Trump's America. They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money! There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. "Land of the Free," "Home of the Brave," "The American Dream," "All men are equal," "Justice is blind," "The Press is free," "Your vote counts," "Business is honest," "The good guys win," "The police are on your side," "God is watching you," "Your standard of living will never decline" and "Everything is going to be just fine:" the official national bullshit story. And that's the problem. (12), We're not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear weapons and recant its ideology. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? But once youre born, youre on your own. Because you have the illusion of choice. George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. I don't believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! On Election Day, I stay home. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it. His parents split up when he was an infant because his . [] I look at war a little bit differently. You know why? No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Its no secret that George Carlin was a bit of a political philosopher. For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. Quote by George Carlin: "Forget the politicians. The politicians are Actually, I dont care, I drink it anyway. I recently bought a book of free verse. Carlin got famous for his bit about the words you cant say on television, but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. You see all, sooner or later. You realize that most of the right-to-lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty? F*ck Hope. And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us And all that shit is nothing! I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. '""I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. People are fucking nuts. Because chickens are decent people. So arrogant. I'm the Founder of SucceedFeed.com and I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and being apart of the Succeed Feed community. George Carlin is Back from the Dead to Haunt Trump in Devastating Save the planet! He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the kings not doing a good job, we kill him. BREAKING: 100 days . Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people, The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment to the Constitution. What exactly is viewer discretion? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, 46. 101 Marianne Williamson Quotes That Will Enlighten You. Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night DRUGS", "We Deliver DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS" it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics Sundries . In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. Nobody goes right to work. A man with only one lip. I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. Here are some of our favorite George Carlin quotes on politics. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. And here as long as were talking about theme restaurants, I got a proposition for you. Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? No question about it. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Huh? change. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. They own you. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. Its interested in its own power. I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a. ""These days many politicians are demanding change. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Don't give your money to the church. Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school. George Carlin. It's all very confusing. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. I say, "Hey, professor! You dont. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! It creates a hostile work environment." And they seem to understand what I'm talking about. 87 Best George Carlin Quotes On Education, Politics & Life Stop that! He was paranoid on his own. And immediately, I thought of the sun. They don't trust one another. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Doesn't this piss you off? Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. Apparently, were not ready for that! George Carlin, 72. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. . You have no choice. The people are fucked! No nothing. So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. Maybe a little Styrofoam. ", So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Its a fucking sacrilege! And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! 50. Just like homeless people. If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin, 47. And rights aren't rights if someone can take them away." George Carlin. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. Are these people kidding? Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? Because theres no money in that problem. Because chickens are decent people. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.". That's what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The people are [bleeped out]. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. They own you. We cut education, in 50 years, well be so stack with idiots with shitty jobs that we wont have enough money to pay for defense! George Carlin, 85. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author. Yeup, sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize the government doesn't give a fuck about them. 30. George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeorge's websitehttps://georgecarlin.com/Social Media:\rInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelaughplanetofficial/\rYoutube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiI_jyH_0yttWG-m5fBYGmA\rTwitter: https://twitter.com/laugh_planet\rWebsite: http://thelaughplanet.comContact us: ash98jha@gmai.com #GeorgeCarlin #Government #America #Comedy #LaughPlanet Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. We hadn't been into grass before, we were into gang fighting, and wine and beer in the park, and punching the shit out of people, and having jackets with your name, and your girls were your 'debs', and you had turf, and all that dumb shit, and we would get into fights over girlsand then pot came along and gang fighting went away. I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses, You Can Be The Reason Someone Feels Okay In Their OwnSkin, The Best Dating Sites and Apps: Complete List of the Top Online DatingPlatforms.
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