He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. Faster! He lowers the man and the mans feet touch the platform. 34. 8. A man was going by train from LA. 93. One of them said its a deer. The other said it No its a coyote. The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.You mama is like train tracks she gets laid all around the country.Say what you want about Hitler at least he got the trains to run on time.A Man and a Cow are stuck on train tracks and There is a Train in the distance about to hit both of them. 33. 36. But I realized it would require too much training. Its a slowcomotive.Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. "The Daily Show" correspondent Desi Lydic 's jokes about train delays prompted an awkward response from Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly., 55. When his train was pulling to a stop, she heard him. Predictably, hes hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, hes at his friends house attending a party. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please., Ive been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and Im getting really annoyed, It keeps asking me, Where do you want to go?. The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler. Always keep an eye on train puns, they can go off the rails without warning! A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town. But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up, I get really violent, but no matter what I do or say, you have to get me out of this train in Mannheim. They have a red caboose! 35. Young Gordon was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Reading station when they heard a whistle. Q: Why is that train engine humming?A: It doesnt know the words. I had a friend who quit his gig as a newspaper reporter and took a train out of town. you time your errands around town based on the train schedule to spot trains and get groceries. 20. The T-shirts were chosen for their light and breathable material and, of course, their funny, lighthearted design and message. 51. They are cute because they rhyme and kids say them a lot. The train conductor was feeling silly and decided to wear platform shoes to work. If you can make people laugh with only one or two sentences - you can call yourself a truly funny person! *Ok, this might be a slightly exaggerated promise. When he picked up the lantern and began cleaning it, naturally, a genie suddenly appeared. The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train. Youve got to hand it to them, 37. */. If the windshield doesnt break, its likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. He said, Im not sure, its hard to keep track.Went to a railway fancy dress party. The yellow bits are sweet corn, I said. Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track. Cassie bought each grandson a bag. Look at that S car go!. Looking for train jokes and jokes about trains? Achoo choo train.Railroad workers arent what they used to be. Top 1: Train Wreck This Isnt Your Station. Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy. Son: Dad, I want to be a train conductor but I dont know where to start. These jokes are so filthy; you might just want to cleanse . Finally it creaks to a halt. He told me it was hard to keep track. She's like train tracks - she's been laid across the country. 100. Did you hear that theyre making a new fuel additive out of grapes in France?Yeah, they call it Vin Diesel. No matter what, the train I regularly take home is always late. We'll give you 24. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card. It covers its tracks. Shes quite at-track-tive. Choose your size on Amazon. Why are ghosts no good at running a railway?A. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive? No matter the setting, these 50+ hilarious, unsavory jokes are never entirely appropriate. 46. On inquiry she found that the actual town of Jamestown was some 2 miles away from the station.Why did you not build the station closer to the town? She yelled at the station master.Well at first, we thought the same, said the station master, but then, we decided to build the station near the railway line!, 52. Because they run over sleepers.Whats the difference between a railway security guard and a teacher?One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.What did the train track say when he walked into the bar with the motorway?A pint for me please, and one for the road.What happened to the boy who was doing a project on trains?He found it difficult to keep track of everything.Whats the difference between a teacher and a steam train? Whats the angriest piece of track? But at the same time, remember that one person you know whos actually struggling in math. Some of those jokes are dirty jokes (never appropriate but) always funny. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. you find yourself looking for old locomotives and color schemes during the obligatory chase scene through the rail yards when youre watching old cop shows and movies on TV. Did you hear about the man who took the 6 oclock train home? 64. Look no further! A: Because it has a tender behind. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. The This Is Not A Drill T-Shirt was made for that special member of your family whos always on duty whenever things break down in the house, for the special grandfather whos always busy making stuff in the workshop. Q: What do you call a pretend railway?A: A play station. A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees whats happened and asks the desert man, Whyd you ruin my good tea kettle? The desert man replies, Man, you gotta kill these things when theyre small., 48. A list of 48 Train puns! It is hard to find good train jokes. I've always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. Even the toughest train engineer needs a brake to let off some steam. But, probably youve never seen these knock knock train jokes that will make you laugh! 94. Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. He asked for the banana but we didnt give it to him, we swear! says one of the guards. Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? A lady passenger got off the train at the newly built standard gauge railway station at Jamestown, with a child in her lap and 2 suitcases. Railroad workers arent what they used to be. The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. He was so mad at the ticket man, he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.Are you stupid or something? The I Choose You T-shirt is our second choice because of the cute train pun. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? 45. 12. Why are the railroad tracks angry? The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Train conductors are known for their drinking. One of them trains the mind, while the other one minds the trains. Train Jokes A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. you sit in front of your TV with your computer beside you and watch the screensaver of trains instead of the TV! you have a scanner in your car tuned to the train channels to have a heads up on their locations to intercept them at crossings. 22. The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. We know all about your little banana trick, and youre not escaping this time!. It was exhausting to listen to the conductors argument because she had a one-track mind. The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. Hes made it! One snatches your watch. Lets start the fun with these puns! The list below is a mishmash of both, so give it a read and enjoy! Achoo-choo train. Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning. If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down. Q: Why did the geared locomotives never marry?A: They were the only ones never coupled, 66. 19. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. Hire an expert to follow the tracks. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. A train with a coal-d. My buddy made the grand final of the national model train competition. Now that you have a handy list of train puns and train jokes at your disposal, its time for you to share them with whoever will listen! Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams! After that, I picked up the pace quickly. Here are some dirty Little Johnny jokes that are definitely rated-R and may be too hot to handle! Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station. It was enough to drive you loco.I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting sidetracked.What do you call a sick locomotive?A train with a coal-d.How do you make the locomotive Olympics?Train really hard.The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train.They suspected the culprit had a locomotive.Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning.Right at the track of dawn.Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams.The train company had safety issues for years but was always able to cover its tracks.When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on.The conductors mailbox is always stuffed with letters. More jokes about: sex. A: Because he's not a conductor! Make sure you dont yank their train! Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. 60 Rib-cracking Electrician Jokes To Light Up Your Mood Last Updated on March 6, 2023 Table of Contents Funny Electrician Jokes Wrap Up Electrical job isn't all fun and games. How do you find a missing train? One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. "Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." brutalanglosaxon 2. Easily hand washed. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. There are many exciting and humorous jokes about trains that are suitable for people of all ages. By Mlanie Berliet Updated April 25, 2023. You did superbly under cross-examination.Thanks, he said, but he sure had me worried.Hows that? the lawyer asked.I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!, 56. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. Location: Melbourne, Australia. I said, If you think shes beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_15',664,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0'); Why did the pioneers use covered wagons to move out west? The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. Lets begin. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.Will that work?Its worth a try.As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. Wanna take the joke a little far? Here are some of the jokes I found on the back of the LaffyTaffy candy packages. 43. Without women sex would be a pain in the ass. 61 Funny Sleep Puns And Jokes You Need To See, 101 Rock Puns & Jokes That Are Actually Funny, 100+ SMore Puns & Jokes That Are The Perfect Treat, 31 Balloon Puns & Jokes That Are Seriously Funny, 19 Box Puns & Jokes That Are Actually Funny, 32 Snail Puns & Jokes That Are Actually Funny. Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors. Whats one easy way to tell if a train just passed? 80. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs A man loses his legs in a train accident and when hes rushed to hospital the only available transplant are a child's so he gets the surgery and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain the nurse runs up and says 'sir is it your legs' and the man goes 'no' 'its my kidneys' Embarrassed, he quickly disembarked the room. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. The train company had safety issues for years but were always able to cover their tracks. Then the train will run again." "No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. Just stay on the right track. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!Is it normal my emo cousins hobby is tying himself to train tracks. Score: 687. Every detail needs to be kept track of. It leaves tracks. What do you call a sick locomotive? Said to a railroad engineer: Whats the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didnt have a schedule?. Q: What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?A: Oh good! Since you have freed me from the lantern, you can make a wish, the genie who was attired in coveralls and an engineers hat announced.I thought genies always granted three wishes, the railfan said.Those are the lamp and bottle guys, the genie explained.The train fan nodded his understanding.Okay then lets have a request unless you want to stand around and discuss waning wizard wishes.The railfan quickly replied, I would like a railroad built to Hawaii.The genie stared at the railfan and shook his head. Its a gift youll definitely want to get for your loved one. The train driver was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along. 5.-. Why did the train have bubble gum? Q: What do you call a train that eats toffee? He couldnt coordinate the. The conductors mailbox is always stuffed with letters. Oh, and did I mention that with every purchase, youll also get a FREE greeting card and a pendant? It is not surprising that knock-knock jokes have survived into the 21st century despite their corniness. He couldnt coordinate the skeleton service.The train conductor worked hard and got offered a promotion. A chew-chew train. I obviously took the ex-press train back home.I went to a railway fancy dress party at the weekend. To this, the other replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister. Railroad workers need to be sure they always keep their train of thought, or else they might go down the wrong track and get someone hurt.It was exhausting to listen to the conductors argument because she had a one-track mind. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.The next train is in one hour, intoned the stationmaster.The three went back into the bar. 3.-. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.Your parents just left you, said the stationmaster. 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face. Did we catch up with the cow?, 58. He tried to cover his tracks. Theyre running with a skeleton service. Naughty trains! Jack: Did you hear about the Model Railroader whose layout got trampled by a herd of buffalo?Fred: No, whats he doing now?Jack: Remodeling., 65. Then get it yourself you lazy good-for-nothing idiot.. 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Youll be laughing uncontrollably in no time.*. At your age, I could catch the train by a gnats whisker and still be fresh. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive?A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says Choo Choo Choo!. The judge wants to know his local motive. Youve got to hand it to themWhats the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? saying: "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off. Train puns and jokes are surprisingly funny. The train conductor was feeling silly and decided to wear platform shoes to work. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. Little Johnny asks his mum where babies come from. You have a locomotive. It was an end of line sale. The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and nothing happens. She lies down on the bed just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). A: A chew, chew train. I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasnt trained. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. I took advantage of an end of the line sale. Ticket inspectors. 26. Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.They all boarded the train. He receives plenty of freight mail. And you didnt! When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. Those who steal trains must have a locomotive! As hes helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, Man youre lucky I was here to help! A minor slip-up could have devastating consequences. When he got in he said to the ticket man, Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. 85. 82. Every detail needs to be kept track of. Q: Why is the track gauge 4 8-1/2 wide?A: Because it is the mean distance between the neck and ankles of damsels in distress. After a few times the conductor begins to become a bit impatient. Q: What do you call a train that eats toffee? Is that clear?The ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. 2.-. Texas law once said: When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each train shall come to a full stop and neither train shall proceed until the other has gone. 90. At a station stop, the railroad's president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. room with a train. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!" 25. Q: Why did the railroad magnate choose a name for his railroad that had a single letter abbreviation, S?A: So that when his box car rolled by everyone would say Hey! Stalin says, "I know what to do. Why did the elephant refuse to travel on the train? Theyre just fun! 44. A bulldozer; Why don't trees use the train? I guess hes just really into one liners! His mum says from the storks. 3,045. The ex-press train. Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive. One day an engineer calls the dispatcher and asks him for the time. Dont hesitate to contact us if you do and we are looking forward to hearing from you. 2. A dirty joke is a joke that is usually considered inappropriate because of its indecent punchline. Run faster! Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel. Through their enginears. 4.-. 7. 13. Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. In Wisconsin it was once illegal to kiss on a train. Q: What do you get when you cross a Thomas Train and Shakespeare?A: Toby or not toby, that is the question! An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. The man starts running in mid-air. A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people. I was having a poop in the toilet on the train when the conductor knocked on the door. A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo Choo!" Ive always liked one-liners. Id like to share with you a list of hilarious train jokes that I put together specifically for people who need a good laugh. The next day, hes led to the electric chair. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.Next one is sixty minutes from now, grunted the stationmaster.An hour later, Gordon, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The other watches your snatch. His heel comes off! They all have one track minds. It was enough to drive you loco. 74. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. The other passengers stare in amazement. Related Topics. But I have to get off there! he insisted.Well, there might be one thing I can do. Being a train driver is more difficult than it looks. returning and want to get on, get your . There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. He tried to cover his tracks. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. Joke has 85.78 % from 2120 votes. 14. So, look at these clean train jokes that you can tell for everyone. to Chicago. Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?A: A LOCOmotive. Yo mama so dirty, her perfume is roach spray. I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. I need to catch the 10 oclock train to Dublin.The man at the other end said Well, we are very busy at the moment but well have a taxi out to you as soon as we possibly can, but dont worry, the 10 oclock is always late.The first man then said, It certainly will be today, Im the driver., 53. Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another nearby. We think this is because theres something about trains that appeals to everyone on a very childlike level. He first punches a hole in the new bulb. Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. My first reaction when I began putting this list together was skepticism. Hes running at 30 MPH. Hed never seen a train or the tracks they run on. 96. Theyre really good at covering their tracks. My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. Q: What did Thomas say after Gordon helped him out of the mineshaft?A: Tank you, Choo awesome. I have got the best collection of funny train jokes. People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! 32. 16. They ask him what hed like for his last meal. Sure thing, no problem. Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween? The ex-press train.Why cant train engineers get electrocuted? I've always been driven by the joy of monorails. Here are 10 Spanish jokes guaranteed to get a laugh. Thats nearly impossible, he stated. Theyre sure to engineer a few laughs and stop you going off the rails! Have you reached the age of a grown-up? To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy a ticket at all. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. They were still arguing when the train hit them. One of them trains the mind, while the other one minds the trains.I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job. good train and railway jokes are hard to come by. Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks. A: A jellicopter! When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. It was a tram-endous opportunity.The conductor was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along.We ended up canceling our trip because all of our plans went down the train.Theres a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. 88. Dont be afraid to bring one up randomly in casual conversations as well (like when youre meeting parents). Follow the tracks. Read on to have a good laugh and learn a joke or two to share withyour friends and family. Do you have more hilarious train jokes to add? 27. "See there in the distance. A large two engine train was crossing America. Your email address will not be published. Same as usual madam; it has four carriages and it will run on rails.Why shouldnt you fall asleep on trains? He receives plenty of freight mail.What do you call a locomotive that keeps sneezing? 42. Two Blondes Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico? I wasnt surprised to see every person there was wearing platforms.Remember the good old days of railways, when everyone had plenty of esteem. You'll also find jokes about Thomas the Tank Engine and some of his friends on this page - or you can visit a page dedicated to jokes about Thomas Clean Jokes About Trains Jokes for Kids 38. What do you call a train that cant stop sneezing?Achoo-choo train.What did the train driver say to the lady who wanted to know how long the next train would be and if it would run on time? I swear train conductors never get in trouble. Are you looking for a great gift for your boyfriend, father, or husband? I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting side tracked. It was our first choice not only because of the train pun, but also because it is printed with eco friendly inks. At a station stop, the railroads president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. Choose your size on Amazon. Dirty jokes tend to be of sexual nature, make use of coarse language and can be offensive. All rights reserved. 81. I need a taxi urgently. Things such as trains and train toys have something memorable, funny and inspirational to offer. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken. It had forgotten the words.Why do you have to wait longer for a train on Halloween?Because they run a skeleton service.Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?They say he had locomotives.Whats the difference between a teacher and a train?The teacher says, Spit out your gum, but a train says, Chew chew!Why are dolphins so smart?Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!What do need in order to crash a train?A bad track recordTo become a licensed, airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. This collection of train jokes are clean and safe for kids of all ages - and we're adding new jokes all the time. Did you know that train conductors make great thieves? Suddenly the train crashed, where would the survivors be buried?Nowhere, they are the survivors! All three fork over the money. A vegan sees this and tries to help. when you are parked and getting ready to back out of your space you give two long blast of your horn when releasing your parking brake, three short honks before backing up, and then two honks before moving foreword. It was an ex-press train. When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. "Wipe it off and say you're sorry." Max_W_ 3. The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote: There should not be any last couch in the train. Before you continue reading the other 95 train jokes, puns, and crazy laws, I want to share with you a top I put together especially for people who like a good laugh! I've always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. He asks the female whale "let's both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship." It comes in a variety of sizes from Small to 3X-Large and is made 100% out of cotton. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. The fabric is made of ultra-soft combed cotton to get that comfortable fit and feel and comes in every size possible from Small to XX-Large. More jokes about: age, dirty, health, love, marriage. Lydic, who is guest-hosting the Comedy Central program this week, joined Buttigieg at the Department of Transportation to talk about Fox News, accusations his . How does a train avoid detection? "What's the hurry" the he says, "we'll get there sometime in the next few days." This is an absolute requirement if youre actually on a train, but dont be afraid to randomly bring one of these up in casual conversation as well (maybe when youre meeting the parents). If you dont believe us, scroll through this list and see for yourself.
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